Canadian Invasion

     I was speaking to a Canadian associate of mine* and discussed the idea of him exporting some Canadian snacks south of the border.  I got some maple cookies and maple lollipops.  Arigato amigo, but that doesn't save the rest of your country from the wrath of the Hebrew Hammer!

GOOD
Maple Cream Cookies
     These cookies are kinda like Canadian Oreos.  They're maple-filled, so naturally I assumed they would taste like Aunt Jemima.  WRONG.  Turns out Aunt Jemima isn't real maple, who knew?

     They're actually pretty good.  They also have a crack-like effect on the body.  I ate one or two then had to go back for more.  The cookie is a little bit lighter than an Oreo, but the cream is on-par with Oreos.  The cream might even be better since apparently Canadians aren't stingy with it.  7/10, good job Canada.

     Let's talk about this box though.  Alright Canada so you enjoy putting beautiful scenery on your boxes.  Can't complain about that.  What I can and will complain about is your choice of said beautiful scenery.  The building in the woods I'm going to assume is a maple farm.  (I have no scientific basis backing that theory).  But what the hell with Stonehenge-on-the-Lake?  Is that even in Canada?  Someone tell me how that relates to cookies.  Dammit Canada!

     So this company is Turkey Hill.  There's already a Turkey Hill in America.  I have no idea if they're the same company.  I Googled it for like 30 seconds then lost focus and now here we are.  There's a half-baked thought for you.
     (Insert joke about the O'Canada stamp on the corner)

     Thanks to nutritional info being half in French I completely glossed over the 33g of trans fats in the box until after I ate the whole damn thing.  Heads up guys, Canada can outlaw high fructose corn syrup, but they replace it with partially hydrogenated vegetable oils.  Hold up I just read the box and there's fucking high fructose corn syrup in here!  Now I don't know what to think!  Alright I'm done, my head hurts and so do my arteries.

Rush
     Who doesn't like Rush?  I mean besides females.  I'm pretty sure they're in the Canadian Hall of Fame.  Breaking news: there's a Canadian Hall of Fame.  A little fun fact, Geddy Lee is part of the Hebrew Hammer tribe.  That's right.  So is half of KISS but they're not Canadian so moving along.  Here's a little 2112 so you can decide for yourselves.

BAD
Justin Bieber
     So pumped for the roast tonight.  Genuinely hope they make him cry.  I saw Jeff Ross a few months ago with all three of my friends and he was hilarious.  Jeff had about a ten minute time slot to make jokes about the audience and he went twenty minutes over just eviscerating people.  Side note: never bring your child to a show featuring Jeff Ross, especially if you're going to be seated near the front.  You will have to explain several uncomfortable concepts to him/ her.

PUSH
Lollipops
     I want you to close your eyes for a moment.  Alright now open them.  Did you keep reading after you closed them?  Of course you did you goddamn liar.  That's the only way to keep reading.  Close them again and think of a standard lollipop.  Now think of Canadian food.  I bet you pictured pure maple on a stick.

     There really wasn't much packaging to discuss as with the cookies.  Just the picture of the forest.  Fortunately no Stonehenge-on-the-Lake again.
     The lollipops didn't wow me as much as the cookies.  But to be fair, I'm not much of a lollipop guy.  Something about them just doesn't do it for me anymore.  They're maple syrup you lick.  Not bad, but not my cup of tea.  4/10.

Pam Anderson

     This was a tough one to include in the push.  There's so many positives.  But there's also a slew of negatives.
     She was married to Tommy Lee and made one of the first big-name celebrity sex tapes with him.  Well kudos to you but Motley Crue still sucks.  Then she married Kid Rock.  Oh you think that's a bad thing?  Joke's on you guys, he an American badass.  That's not the kind of nickname you can give yourself like the Hebrew Hammer.  You have to earn that shit.
     Pam's an activist for animal rights.  That's cool, animals shouldn't be treated poorly.  But she's also a vegan.  As someone with more bacon grease than blood in my veins I can't support that.
     Then there's Playboy and Baywatch.  That's a hand down plus.  Every human male puts those in the positive category.  However, she owed the California state government over half a million dollars in back taxes.  That's not cool.  Pay your taxes.  Running slow mo in a bikini doesn't balance out making the Top 500 Delinquent Taxpayers list (that actually exists?).

* My friend's boyfriend is from Montreal.

TL;DR: Maple cream cookies get a 7/10.  Maple lollipops get a 4/10.