A Candy Blogger's Take On Getting Through Halloween

It's every snack food blogger's favorite holiday!

     Halloweeeeen! My favorite holiday. When I can be open with the populace about my shame blogging talents and eat all the candy I want.
     Here's a few tips that I've put together to help you through the holiday without losing too much of your candy supply.

1) You'll need enough candy to get through the day

This is what I bought this year.  You're going to need plenty to take care of all the grubby little kids begging for your candy while providing you nothing in return.  Of course you'll also need at least one bag for yourself to eat during the day.

2) Buy average quality candy

Don't be a hero when it comes to candy.  Heroes will buy full size Butterfingers or Reese's.  You don't want that.  Kids will hear that you're giving out big candy bars and will flock to your house like cockroaches.  That's a two-sided front: first off bigger candy bars cost more, and more kids mean they take more of your candy.  You want something good enough where they won't egg your house, but not so good they'll come to your house twice.  This is also means you'll have to sacrifice a little quality for your leftovers, but it's better than having nothing.

3) Snake it til you make it

I don't know about the whole country, but in my town you're supposed to leave your porch light on to let kids know you have candy to give out.  Maybe you accidentally turn the light off.  Maybe while your girlfriend/ boyfriend/ parents/ etc aren't home, you take a nap and can't answer the door.  Or you don't like that kid's costume so instead of giving him two pieces you give him one.  Remember, you're not trying to get a big payout all at once.  You shave a little off the top during the whole day, just like in Office Space.

4) Keep an eye for unattached aunts/ cousins

Nah just kidding.  I'm dealing with your kid taking my candy.  Be glad I even answered the door.  Get off my lawn.  (Come back tomorrow)

5) Mischief/ Cabbage/ Devil's/ Gate Night (or whatever you call it, it's the night before Halloween)

The only thing better than Halloween is Mischief Night.  I park my car on the street and use it as bait while I hide in the bushes and wait for teenagers to try to vandalize it so I can make them shit their pants.  Last year I caught some fucker rubbing Vaseline on my car door handle so I ran out and chased him across the street.  I was yelling in his face and he nearly cried.  I've never felt so alive without the aid of drugs or gambling.  Nothing makes you feel more like a man than making a small child cry.  This year I'm thinking of using some sort of implement to really make them run, like a rake or something.