Kashi Chocolate Almond and Seat Salt Chewy Granola Bar

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  No because thee fucking sucks!  This was hands down the worst experience I've had as a blogger.  Allow me to list some more pleasurable things than this feces-in-a-wrapper: St. Anger.  Star Wars Episode 1.  Scrubs Season 9 (I don't have any specific link for this one, but it doesn't count without JD).  The car Homer designed.  I took one bite out of this thing and threw it away.  Not away in the trash mind you, away as in physically away from my being to prevent me from even smelling it.
Can I give negative scores?  Because I am.  -1/10.  Kashi will never get a dollar out of me.

PS- I realize that list I provided is not something any female could relate to.  I write blogs about cookies.  No shit, Captain Obvious.

Mama Hebrew Hammer's Christmas Cookie Extravaganza!

Every year my mom makes like a thousand cookies and naturally I have to test each batch to make sure them come out right.  Here's the final product for this year.

Chocolate chip: 11/10

Double chocolate chip: 11/10

Snickerdoodles: 11/10

Magic squares: 11/10

Chocolate chip with nuts: 11/10

Tassies: 11/10

Spritz cookies: 11/10

Lemon bars: 11/10

Chocolate mint chip: 11/10

Did I dunk any of these in milk?  No way.  Do you print out the Mona Lisa on your home computer and hang it on your wall?  You don't mess with art, you monkeys.

That's 9 batches of cookies which each got an 11.  That means my mom's cookies combine for a score of 99/10, completely blowing Godiva out of the water.  Merry Christmas to me!

Bonus review:  The Italian lady next door bakes her own cookies.  We trade cookies which naturally means I have to taste test hers as well.

Some sort of sugared dough bowtie (on the left): 10/10

Chocolate ravioli cookie (top right): 10/10

Homemade candied sugar balls (bottom right): 10/10

Apparently they all have proper Italian names.  I'm not a good Italian I guess.  Although I am a good eater.

Coldstone Milkshakers- My First Beverage Review!

Coldstone ice cream?  Delicious.  Coldstone milkshaker?  Underwhelming.  The fudge taste was too overpowering.  I want an explosion of milkshake in my mouth, not fudge flavoring.  Also, it didn't do much to quench my thirst.  I bought for exactly that reason, and it failed me.  For shame, Coldstone.  4/10.

PS: 'Milkshakers' sounds like some sort of weird pregnant fetish strip club.  I can say that now because my blog can be more PG-13 than Facebook.  Also when this blog makes me internet rich I'm totally opening up Milkshakers.

First Annual Thanksgiving Review

This is my first annual Thanksgiving review.  Hopefully I'll have plenty more of these.

Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies: These were a pleasant surprise.  I had no idea these two flavors could be combined in cookie form. 10/10.  (Courtesy of my cousin Kayte)

Pumpkin pie: American classic.  You think Canadian Thanksgiving has this stuff?  Doubt it, all they have is maple syrup and Labatt Blue.  8/10

Chocolate balls: I have no idea where these come from or what they're called.  They tasted pretty classy though so I only had 5 before moving on things more suited for my economic standings.  7/10

Chocolate squares: These were still in the packaging but it was in German or something.  I have no idea.  They were delicious though.  8/10

Apple pie with vanilla ice cream: You know who doesn't like apple pie?  Communists.  And if you pair it with anything other vanilla ice cream, I assume your parents aren't evolved.  9/10

QuikChek Triple Chocolate Chunk Cookie

I received complaints of surliness in my last review so today will be more PC.

Boy was this a tale of two cookies!  It seems QuikChek baked their cookies quickly (lol, punny) causing the edges to be a bit firmer but the center to be quite soft and chewy.  The volume of cookie I received was quite nice, but more money than a small box of Entenmann's it seemed appropriate.  Even though the cookie is named triple chocolate chunk, it is actually regarding the types of chocolate rather than the amount of chunks (which was slightly disappointing).  Although the edges weren't anything spectacular, they were decent enough to warrant a 5/10.  However the chewy center was tasty and earned a 7/10.  That averages out to a respectable 6/10.

Shop Rite Chocolate Chip Cookies

Shop Rite chocolate chip cookies: I expected these to be on par with Shop Rite's muffins (which quite frankly are delicious).  Unfortunately these are underbaked and too hard to chew.  I should note that the amount of chocolate chip wasn't anything to write home about, but since they were chocolate chip and not chocolate chunk I don't have a problem with that.  Final score: 2/10.  Dunking them in milk brought the score to 2.5/10 because you just can't polish a turd.

Original review date: 11/17/2014

Betty Crocker Caramel Brownie

When you think of Betty Crocker you think of America, right? Wrong. This brownie is just as Canadian as the label says. Technically it's a brownie with caramel but that's all the credit I can give it. Artificial taste and consistency, and a disappointing amount of caramel to boot. 3/10. Mrs Crocker is spinning in her grave.

Original review date: 9/30/2014

Oreo Creme Filled Brownie

As an Oreo coinessur I was excited to try this out. What was my brand loyalty rewarded with? The driest cookie and crème combination I've ever tried. It was like a regular Oreo after spending a week in the Sahara. However the ample amount of cookie and 100% of my daily recommended calcium were pleasant surprises. 4/10

Original review date: 9/28/2014

Milky Way French Vanilla and Caramel

Tested this one out on Friday and forgot to review it. Jager is a cruel mistress. Onto the review-
Why do you need to mention the Milky Way is French vanilla and caramel? Milky Ways naturally have caramel. I don't change my pants and call myself Andrew with pants and shirt. That's unnecessary information.
I liked the candy bar. I don't know what French vanilla is supposed to taste like because I'm an uncultured cretin posting candy reviews on Facebook, but this is probably a good indicator. The caramel tastes like standard Milky Way caramel but I can't confirm (if that sentence bothers you as much as it bothers me, email the dicks in the Mars marketing department). Overall I give it 8/10, would eat again.

Original review date: 9/1/2014

Oatmeal Chewy Chips Ahoy

I'm not even giving this abomination the dignity of a review.

Original review date: 8/4/2014

Godiva Chocolate Dipped Macaroons

Another perfect score. I'm beginning to suspect this will happen frequently with Godiva. I'll have to eat more to confirm.

Original review date: 7/19/2014

Peanut Butter Cup Oreos

6/10. They'll be gone in a week but the creme just isn't making me believe I'm eating Reese's cups.  They lost a point because of shoddy cookie construction. My cookies keep falling apart!

Original review date: 6/8/2014

Godiva Chocolate Dipped Oreo Cookies

Ladies and gentlemen, my first perfect score! There is literally no way to improve on this cookie short of having the truck deliver them straight to my mouth. 10/10

Original review date: 6/8/2014

Creme Filled Oreos

Oh shit, did I buy 2 types of cookies at one time? Damn right I did. The in-store display did its intended purpose.
8/10. The creme works well with the cookie but they need more of it.

Original review date: 6/5/2014

Birthday Frosting Filled Chips Ahoy

I give them an 8/10. Not exactly sure what "birthday frosting" is. Also there wasn't enough frosting or cookies. Either way they were gone in 24 hours.

Original review date: 6/3/2014

Birthday Cake M&M's

2.5/10.  They don't taste anything like birthday cake.  If they were in front of me I'd eat them but I wouldn't go out of my way.  Plus they're all red, yellow, or blue.  You either color them like regular M&Ms or birthday cake colors!  Dammit Mars!

Original review date: 4/2/14

Marshmallow Crisp Oreos

I give marshmallow crispy Oreos a 5/10. They're good but lose points for not tasting like marshmallow. That's false advertising. The creme does a sub par job of holding the cookie on. Tsk tsk.


PS I definitely upped my game after a few reviews. Come on Andrew, you're better than this.


Original review date 3/3/2014


Stock image via oreo.com

Stop and Shop Chocolate Sandwich Cookies- Candy Cane Double Filled

Stop and Shop's Oreo knock-offs were a pleasant surprise.  They're like Oreo's little brother that you actually prefer hanging out with because he has bits of candy cane and more creme-like creme.  Plus they're limited edition which you know means they're fancy.  Regarding creme levels, I'd put them at slightly more than a standard Oreo.  The candy cane bits one-upped the Oreo flavors, which have been hit-or-miss lately (damn you Limeade!).  Are these the best cookies on the market?  No, they're not.  But they're damn good when you're shoveling them in your face while playing XBox.  Final score: 8/10, looking for more like these from now on.

Welcome To My Nightmare

I had enough of you peasants pestering me about making a blog that I caved in.  The reviews will be the same way I do them on Facebook.  New reviews will get posted on Facebook as well.  Old ones will have a date stamp on them.  Also, I'm looking into some sort of drone delivery system for you to donate new snacks for me to try out.