Dancing Deer Trilogy Part 3: Molasses Clove

Let me open by saying what the hell is a molasses clove?  I know what molasses is.  I always thought a clove was a unit of measurement for garlic.  Nope.  Turns out it is a flower.  Color me stunned.
Now that the educational part of the lecture is done with, let us move to the review.  The cookie was okay.  For such exotic (I guess?) flavors I was kind of hoping for something more exotic tasting.  It reminded me of a brown sugar cookie.  Which isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong.  But you throw fancy words at me and I expect a new palette of flavors to open me to a whole new world.  Also the cookies all had a consistency like they were borderline-stale.  My cookies need to be fresh to death son.  5/10.

PS- The cookie gets a 5/10 but this blog gets a 3/10

If I May Do A Non-Snack Review

That shirt is a hard 10.  You know how I got it?  Donating to the Reading Rainbow Kickstarter.  Oh shit Andrew you support children's literacy?  And you have blogger income?  And you're going to be parading around town in this chick magnet shirt?  Wow you're like the whole package.  Thanks guys, I needed that after my rough Internet-less weekend.

Definitive List Of Pro Bowl Snacks

Fuck the Pro Bowl

Montclair RFC Banquet Desserts

Last night was my rugby team's annual winter banquet.  Like every civilized group of beer drinking barbarians, we had a classy dessert (Kirkland brand).  I was already drunk when the cookies came out.  Someone dropped their cookies and was going to throw them out when yours truly stepped in to save them.

First up was the Kirkland cookie variety pack (don't ask how I know that).
Chocolate chip- one of the best around.  When I go to Costco I usually end up picking up a pack of these bad boys.  I think Kirkland changed the recipe about a year or two ago which had poor results, but these still get an 8/10.
Oatmeal raisin- Seriously does any one like these?  I mean they're not bad, but I can never recall myself or anyone else saying "Oh man, you know what I got a hankering for?  Fucking oatmeal raisin!" The Kirkland brand ones are pretty good for oatmeal raisin, but that's FOR oatmeal raisin.  5/10
White chocolate chip- I remember eating it and right there is when things got fuzzy.  6/10 I guess?
The arugula pack had two flavors in it.  These things are like oatmeal raisin, you can enjoy them but you're never going to go out of your way for them.  Naturally I had about 7.
Chocolate arugula- Underdog of the year right here.  Way better than I expected.  7/10.
Fruit arugula- I don't know if all of you out there in Candyland have noticed by now, but I'm not a huge fan of fruit candy.  I eat fruit, I enjoy fruit, but gimme a snack that isn't going to be found in the future IT worker's Pokémon lunch box (mine was Digimon so suck it).  4/10

PS- Yeah Jeets!

PPS- Had to write this whole blog on my phone because my internet has been down since yesterday morning.  Big thanks to Verizon for their quick response time.

Candyland, ASSEMBLE! Red Velvet Oreos!

Candyland assemble!  These puppies come out February 2nd and I NEED THEM!  Everyone needs to sign up to win a free package and then share them with me.

I guess the plan is to have some sweet, sweet red velvet snacks for Valentine's Day.  Well yours truly is going to share them with his Valentine.  That's right, I have a date, and her name is XBox 360!

Moon Pie

So apparently the Moon Pie is a classic snack.  I've never had one.  I was lead to believe I'd been missing out.  My hopes got built up and then I bit into this puppy and I was more disappointed than my date on prom night. (Just kidding, she went to a party and 'forgot' to check if I was invited beforehand so that one's on me.)
It wasn't bad.  It just wasn't what I had been led to expect.  The Moon Pie is a pretty hearty snack with all the sorts of flavors you'd expect out of the picture on the label.  None of them wowed me though.  I guess the Moon Pie is a quantity instead of quality snack.  Therefore I bestow it 4/10.

PS- I just searched Wikipedia and found out that "[The Moon Pie] is often associated with the cuisine of the American South where they are traditionally accompanied by an RC Cola."  Who the FUCK considers RC Cola "cuisine?!"  That offends me more than anything else in this situation, including my goddamn prom date.  If you drink RC Cola you're a poor person, no question about it.  Everyone knows it's America's Choice or nothing.  Otherwise take your shit cola out of my blog.

PPS- Did you see my proper use of brackets in that quotation?  Damn right you did.

PPPS- Blogging at 8 pm on a Saturday.  Hey ladies.

The Dancing Deer Chronicles Part Two: Chocolate Sea Salt Stars

After the Kashi debacle I decided to give sea salt a second try.  (Just kidding, I got these cookies for free and I'm too much of a fat kid to turn them down.)  Sea salt is currently 2 for 2 with making food shitty.  It was basically a dark chocolate cookie that tasted way too salty.  Also it left an aftertaste in my mouth similar to that of the How I Met Your Mother series finale.  And Dancing Deer got my hopes so high with their brownie.  2/10.

I dunno about you guys, but I don't like salty aftertastes in my mouth.
PS- I just checked their website and the link for these cookies is dead.  I guess they realized these things to take a long walk off a short dock.

A Quick Update Regarding My Business End

You see those numbers?  That's just last week.  I'M INTERNATIONAL!  I'd like to welcome my Canadian friends to Candyland.  Next I need to work on the Germans and the Swiss.  Everyone knows they make the best candy.  And everybody loves the Swiss Miss.

Secondly and most importantly- I'm raking in the blogger bucks!  That's pure profit (minus the literally tens of dollars I've spent on candy).  Nine cents.  You know what I'm gonna do?  Open up Milkshakers.  Time to make it hail!

I'm Not Sure If This Qualifies For A Review

It's the Orion's Belt protein shake from my gym.  Normally health food doesn't make the cut but this had Oreo bits in it.  The menu said it was Oreo and Chocolate flavor, and it was good for bulking up or building muscle.  (Point of information: all their shakes say they're good for building muscle.  Duh.)  That's all the info I have on this thing.
It was a pretty thin shake.  I usually prefer them thicker a la McDonald's style.  Did it taste bad?  No.  For a protein shake it was one of the top 3 flavors I'd say I've ever tried.  But those are protein shakes.  That's like calling someone one one of 3 tallest midgets you've ever seen.  Still, better than going to the diner where their idea of chocolate milk is regular milk with a couple squirts of Hershey's syrup and a spoon.
Now I don't know how to score it.  Do I score it based on taste alone?  Nutritional value?  Do I average the two?  I'll give it a 6/10 since when I drank it too fast I got brain freeze.

PS- Obligatory Orion video

Dancing Deer Baking Co. Chocolate Chunk Brownies

Let me preface these next few blogs by noting my friend Chris got some goodies at work and naturally passed them along to yours truly.  I guess that means I'm becoming a powerhouse in the candy world.  Don't be surprised if you see me guest starring on whatever show Gordon Ramsay has next season.

These brownies?  Scrumptious.  My first reaction was they were a little dry.  I prefer my brownies moist.  However I was quickly surprised by the chocolaty flavor blast to my mouth.  The brownie was soft and flaky which are always good points.  Also, one of the brownies had the telltale slightly raised edge and crispiness associated with being baked in a pan.  For you non-connoisseurs out there, that means Dancing Deer bakes their brownies with the most important ingredient of all: love.  8/10

stock image via www.dancingdeer.com (normally I take a photo of the product I'm testing but I was hungry and got overzealous)

Russell Stover Marshmallow Chocolate Santa

Let me open this by saying I've been drinking and was told I could have this if I wrote the blog on the spot. So alcohol will play a role in this review.
As for the candy- I'm left thinking they could have done more. The chocolate and marshmallow weren't bad, but they weren't good. The chocolate didn't provide much of structural support for the marshmallow.  Considering the nostalgia behind them I can understand the appeal, but when you're drunk on January 3rd its more depressing than anything else.  Happy new years to all you readers out there in Candyland I guess.  5/10

h/t to Seb for the candy/ deadline