People.com- Mark Monday, Aug. 10, down as the day the latest (and greatest?) special-edition Oreos hit supermarket shelves nationwide. We’ve been dreaming about the cookies ever since they were spotted at the Sweet and Snacks expo in May, and now they’re available to all Oreo-loving Americans for $4.49 a pack.
This morning, we received a shipment of the new cookies — to stuff in our faces immediately, of course. After a very serious People.com tasting session, the verdict is in: they’re delicious! Despite tasting more like rich chocolate cake than actual brownie batter, the limited-edition Oreos are super chocolate-y, indulgent and basically the only thing capable of making a Monday bearable.
"LOL! Look at me! I'm relating to readers by telling them I also like sweets and hate Mondays! OMG, right! Let's all go out to brunch and listen to Taylor Swift!" Shut the fuck up and review the cookie! All you said was they're 'chocolate-y,' when there's a real fucking word for that! CHOCOLATY! IT'S NOT FUCKING HARD! If anyone needs me I'll be in the angry dome!
Alright I've calmed down. Oreo has been killing it in the 'great idea, poor execution' scene for a while now. Marshmallow Oreo. Red Velvet Oreo. Oreo S'mores. They all have the same fundamental flaw: Replacing actual flavoring with diabetic coma-inducing levels of artificial sugars. They come in 2/3 size packaging for 3/3 size price. In the end, you say to yourself "Oh well this was a nice change of pace for length of time it took me to finish this package. I'll probably never buy this again." Am I going to buy them anyway? Yes, I'm a blogger and I have a journalistic obligation... (I'll pause here to let you finish laughing derisively)... to report on them for you. But I'm setting the bar low.
Now let's look at some of these quotes from People.
If you were hoping for a more batter-y vibe, no need to crack raw eggs over the cookies; simply follow this pro tip: Keep one in your mouth without biting for 30 seconds or so, and the cookie will take on the viscosity and flavor of batter. If that grosses you out, just dunk the thing in a glass of milk like a normal person. You won’t regret it. - Who the hell decided to try that the first time?
"....they’re available to all Oreo-loving Americans..." Way to exclude Canada, People and/ or Oreo. I'll have you know I have a Canadian associate.
“These would taste amazing in a Blizzard.” - Oh really? 24oz of ice cream will help them taste better? Your parents must be so proud! And first cousins!
“They take me back to my childhood!" - No they don't. They most decidedly do not.
“I’m gonna give these a hard yes.” - Wow, great review! You didn't even need a 10 point scale or anything! Go back to writing about Miley Cyrus' daily bathroom routine.
Was Oreo giving them these quotes to say? There's no way an actual person with free will wanted these to be the quotes published online.
PS- There was a Sweet and Snacks Expo and I wasn't invited? Do you think I'm doing this for my health? This is bullshit.
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