The Clerk At ShopRite Ruined My Ankle's 4th Birthday

     First off, thank you to everyone who wished my ankle a happy birthday.  It really means a lot to us.  Also to Dr. Vasquez who put all the ankle Legos back together.

Did You Miss Me?

     After a nearly month-long hiatus, I'm back and ready to celebrate my birthday 2 days late.  Click play on the music and let's go!

The Most Beautiful Macaroon You've Ever Seen

     Look at this macaroon.  Isn't it the most beautiful macaroon you've ever seen, folks?  I'm really enjoying it.

     I'm sure many of you are aware that Jews can't have anything leavened on Arbor Day.  Passover?  Yes, on Passover.  Leavened means didn't rise.  When the Jews fled Egypt- the Pharaoh treated them so horribly, folks.  You wouldn't believe how bad it was, believe me.  When the Jews fled Egypt they didn't have time to let the bread rise.  So now we have matzo.  And macaroons, which are just beautiful.

     But, folks, this is one tremendous macaroon.  The biggest, most beautiful macaroon.  And I went to Costco so I can buy them bigly.  Really, just a huge package.  It fits perfectly in my huge hands.

     Score?  Can phenomenal out of 10 be a score?  Beautiful.  Just like my daughter.  I hope she grows tits like her mother.  Huge.

My Laptop Went The Way Of RG3's Career But I'm Back With A New Oreo Blog!

     So I recently needed to get a new laptop which stopped me from blogging for a few weeks.  I'm back now and just in time- there's a new Oreo product on the shelves!

I Give A Pinkies And Blood A 0/10; Juggalos Apparently Disagree

Source- A Wisconsin man has been sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison after pleading no contest last year to cutting off a woman's finger as part of a video-recorded ritual to honor a fellow rap music fan.
     Jonathan Schrap, 24, was sentenced Friday on one count of second-degree reckless injury.
     “Where do you go with this? How can this happen? How can this even happen in Green Bay?” Judge John P. Zakowski said at the sentencing.     Court documents say Schrap and his friends were staging a "ritualistic memorial" at his house in August to commemorate a deceased member of the Juggalos — the name given to fans of the Detroit rap duo Insane Clown Posse.
     WBAY-TV reports the woman first allowed Schrap to cut her arm with a machete and drink her blood. She eventually gave permission to Schrap cut off her right pinky finger with a machete, which according to court documents required more than one blow to sever.
     “Jon then placed the finger in his freezer where he said he would cook it and eat it later,” court documents said. “The group then attempted to stop the bleeding by using a car cigarette lighter which failed. They then used a blowtorch.”
     This is a lot to process all at once.  First things first: That dude is 24.  That's a ROUGH 24.  I'd put him at closer to 40 with that hairline/ poor hygiene.  3.5 years in the slammer is gonna put him closer to 50, maybe even 60 in b-hole years.
     Now, for those of you not familiar with Juggalos:
(If I fucked up that embed, here's the link to the Juggalo clip of Tosh.0)

So to have a Viking Funeral 'ritualistic memorial' for your fallen clown is not something all that shocking.  Why drink blood though?  Blood gets a 0/10, unless you're a vampire in which case it gets an automatic 8 bonus points.  And how about taking 'more than one blow' with a machete to chop off a pinky?  Maybe you hit the fucking gym bro.  Pinkies are the 2lb dumbbell of fingers.  Or maybe his aim was bad, in which case I can only imagine the mess he leaves around his toilet.
     I like how they switched from a cigarette lighter to a blowtorch.  Planning ahead like that is what gets you 3.5 years in the slammer instead of only 2.5.  "Did we leave the lighter in the car charger long enough?  Fuck it, let's get the blowtorch and melt her whole hand."
     My favorite part of this story is that Schrap (awful name) put the pinky in the freezer to eat it later.  What the hell is that?

He bitched out of eating the finger!  The guy just broke out a machete to poorly chop off a pinky, then fail to cauterize the wound, only to say "Ehh I'll finish it later."  That's like going to the Harry Potter release parties and dressing up like Ron only to go read a different book instead.  This is why Juggalos don't get any respect.  Absolutely zero planning skills.

PS- "Where do you go with this?"  Uhh you go to jail bro.  "How can this happen in Green Bay?"  Little known fact about me that I tell everyone I can, I went to Green Bay once and fell in love with a stripper.  I know, I know.  "She was just using you for your money!"  Well nuts to you.  She was 5'9" and liked tall guys, plus we had the same major in college.  And for the entire 3 minutes of my third lap dance we were just talking and getting to know each other.  Don't rain on my parade.

Like Sisyphus Up The Hill, I Have Bought The New Peeps Oreos

     Let me preface this by saying that I took a break from blogging because A) none of you fuckers were reading my blogs anymore and B) I'm actually on a diet.  Unfortunately Peeps Oreos just came out so the diet's not going well.  Also I haven't actually changed my eating habits.  But I digress.

I Got A Free Sweet Tarts And Still Overpaid

     Yesterday went like any other day.  I finished up first breakfast and went into the office fridge for second breakfast.  I turned around and my eyes were drawn there, as if by magic: candy that was hanging off the edge of the vending machine dispenser.  How could I resist such a charm?  I put my dollar in and out came 2 Sweet Tarts!