My buddy Erik and I went to the Enforcer concert last night to catch up and rock out. I'm not one to say "Omg we always get wild together!" but last time I hung out with him, Jose Canseco got really mad at me:
And last night picked up where that left off. First the band comes on stage and we start jamm- WHAT IS WITH THE BASSIST'S HEAD?
It's fucking four sizes too big for his body! Somebody took the head of a 7'4" Nordic lumberjack and put it on the body of a 5'4" accountant. If you think that's just a bad shot, here's another:
Sweet frickin' lou, then the singer comes out dressed like he's in Manowar's formal wear.
(Manowar)
(Olof Wikstrand)
But wait, it gets better! Some dude comes into the middle of the floor with toilet paper stuck on his goddamn shoe. Not even like a stray piece, this thing was at least 3 feet long. There's so many tangibles here I can't even count them all. How do you get from the bathroom to the floor without it falling off? Or with anybody stopping you? Most importantly, why are you shitting at a concert? That's the most barbaric, disgusting thing you can possibly do. Those toilets are more piss than porcelain.
Then we have the headbanging grandpa. This man must have been 70 when the band was born. I have no idea how he even got into their music. But he was there, rocking out the best he could with a cane and brittle bones and an unkempt beard down his chest.
I assume any old person is racist, and to have an old person at a concert of a genre featuring predominantly white males, there is no way he's fond of Obama or Hillary. And that is why I need to hear his views on them.
Normally that'd be enough to make a concert interesting right? WRONG! The fucking police were called after a bench clearing brawl! It was BEAUTIFUL. There was a flying kick. Let me repeat that in case you misread me.
There was a flying kick.
Now let that's examine the kicker. He was a clearly out of shape male who ingested one too many types of drugs. He attempted the kick by utilizing his 7" vertical leap, extending his leg about a foot, missing by a country mile, then falling down. The guy standing next to me and I were the only ones who realized what we had just seen, and instantly became best friends while laughing our asses off at him. A few minutes later he tried moshing, but since was a stoned asshole, he was just charging at random people. Someone didn't take kindly to it and bear hugged him, dragging him all the way to the floor bar and swinging at him. Naturally people jumped in and a huge brawl erupted. A girl resembling the Futurama Amazonians came in with a couple nice right hooks.
And the bouncers spear tackled her. Like eight people were ejected in a minute. It was glorious. I just stood there, mouth agape, taking in this wondrous sight of an Amazonian borderline crying with someone else's teeth still lodged in her knuckles. And I think one of the people thrown out were connected to one of the opening bands, because a few of them were in the crowd and went running out as fighters were being dragged out.
As I left (about half an hour later) the police were outside questioning everyone who had been thrown out. I didn't know that happens. I figured they just kick you out and are done with you. That's amazing it was so out of control. I'm proud to have witnessed it first hand.
Oh wait there's more! Despite all of this, there's actually another part to the story! The bassist/ vocalist from Cauldron (the opening band) was in the crowd so I tapped him on the shoulder to say the show rocked. (It did, Cauldron are actually the main reason I went to the show). So the dude goes in the give me and hug and a peck on the cheek. What the fuck? I love your music, not you! Luckily I have cat-like reflexes and avoided the kiss. And then their drummer finished his beer so he just chucked the can into the mosh pit!
PS- I stuck around after the show and got a few autographs. Everyone was actually super cool and friendly, if not kinda drunk. Even the hobbit. Definitely check these guys out if you get the chance, even if you don't like the music I can guarantee you'll like the brawling.
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