Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies Are Named After A Shitty Romance Book

     Like most overweight people, I spend plenty of time at the office vending machine.  I saw a cookie I haven't seen before, so naturally I bought one to sample.

     "Where did the Lorna Doone name come from?" asks I, my curiosity taking ahold of me.  Lorna Doone turns out to be the name of an old romance book.

Hold up what the fuck?  Lorna Doone is a romance novel from 1869?

Who in their right fucking mind decides of all the romance novels out there, THAT is the one they're going to be 'inspired' by?  Even more baffling is that this cookie was introduced in 1912.

I'm not a scientist, but waiting 53 years to name a cookie after a fucking romance book is just bonkers.  No wonder this thing was a piece of shit, the guy who invented it was probably a goddamn inbred.
     After some more research I found out that a children's author wrote a poem about these cookies?  In 1972!  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

"Lorna Doone Last Cookie Song (I Shared it with Gloria)"

All the sandwich cookies sweet
In their frilly paper neat,
They are gone this afternoon,
They have left you, Lorna Doone.
Lorna Doone, Lorna Doone,
Roaming through the heather,
Lorna Doone, Lorna Doone,
We’ll grow old together.
Chocolate and vanilla creams
Pass like little tasty dreams
Eaten up and gone too soon,
All but you, our Lorna Doone.
You are plain and you are square
And your flavor’s only fair.
Soon there’ll be an empty place
Where we saw your smiling face.
Lorna Doone, Lorna Doone,
You were last but you weren’t wasted.
Lorna Doone, Lorna Doone,
We’ll remember how you tasted.

(stolen from the first hit I found on Google)

That.  Was.  AWFUL.  Oh man, I really connected with the author on that one.  Did he try making love to a fucking cookie?  You're not Edgar Allan Poe writing about his lost wife, you're a children's author who got high and ate a cookie.  

     Notice how he never says it was a good cookie?  No amount of kush makes this cookie your first choice.  "And your flavor's only fair."  Get the fuck out of here Hoban, I'm the cookie reviewer.  You didn't even use a 10 point rating system, you just called it 'fair.'  Also you're poem gets a 2/10 for rhyming "Doone" with "Doone" like 7 times.  And why are you talking about chocolate and vanilla creams?  It's a shortbread cookie with no toppings.  Your observational skills are as second rate as your ability to score!

     I was going to give this cookie an actual score but all this absurd shit drops it down to a 0/10.  Maybe you think of an original name for your cookie and I'll consider revising my score.  Until then, you suck.