It's Halloween, which means every website trying to be hip is putting out a list of what snacks are the best. Here's what I've learned from doing this snack blog: there's no definitive list. Some people, like me, have refined taste in only the best Oreos. Entitled douchebags are going to raise their kids to expect full size bars on Halloween. And poor people are going to get excited over Skittles.
I figured I'd rip apart someone else's list. Originally I was going to disembowel Buzzfeed but they have so many fucking lists that I didn't know where to start. So my victim today will be E! Online. Original list here.
(Also I wrote this Halloween blog but wasn't happy with it so I wrote the one I posted yesterday. Feel free to read that one again.)24. Flavored Tootsie Rolls
What flavor even are these?! The cherry doesn't taste like cherry. The orange doesn't taste like orange. And don't get us started on "vanilla." Who asked for Tootsie fruit rolls in the first place? No one.
I've never tried these, but I'd be happy to sample a bag and prove why you're stupid.
23. Tooth brushes
Yes, we would rather get a toothbrush than one single flavored tootsie roll. At least we'll eventually need a new toothbrush.
This is not a candy and your argument is therefore invalid.
22. Candy Corn
It's festive, sure. But we subscribe to a "look, don't eat" approach on candy corn.
Candy corn is awesome. You're just bitter and alone.
21. Black Licorice
It has a bad rap for a reason. Not that we'd particularly enjoy getting any type of licorice.
If you don't like black licorice, you therefore don't like Jagermeister, and therefore don't enjoy fun. Simple math.
20. Smarties
It's like candy dust. You're just eating candy dust.
Alright, touche on this one.
19. Raisinets
It doesn't matter how much chocolate you coat it with, it's still a raisin.
...and raisins are pretty good so what's the problem?
18. Candy Necklaces
Taste wise, there is none, really. Fashion wise, that little string goes with nothing.
I don't get candy necklaces anymore, I'm not in 3rd grade.
17. Milk Duds
"Dud" is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.
If you're worried about Milk Duds in your teeth, go use that toothbrush you were bitching about earlier. Think for me one time, bro.
16. Good and Plenty
They're like licorice-flavored pills. See point #21.
23. Tooth brushes
Yes, we would rather get a toothbrush than one single flavored tootsie roll. At least we'll eventually need a new toothbrush.
This is not a candy and your argument is therefore invalid.
22. Candy Corn
It's festive, sure. But we subscribe to a "look, don't eat" approach on candy corn.
Candy corn is awesome. You're just bitter and alone.
21. Black Licorice
It has a bad rap for a reason. Not that we'd particularly enjoy getting any type of licorice.
If you don't like black licorice, you therefore don't like Jagermeister, and therefore don't enjoy fun. Simple math.
20. Smarties
It's like candy dust. You're just eating candy dust.
Alright, touche on this one.
19. Raisinets
It doesn't matter how much chocolate you coat it with, it's still a raisin.
...and raisins are pretty good so what's the problem?
18. Candy Necklaces
Taste wise, there is none, really. Fashion wise, that little string goes with nothing.
I don't get candy necklaces anymore, I'm not in 3rd grade.
17. Milk Duds
"Dud" is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.
If you're worried about Milk Duds in your teeth, go use that toothbrush you were bitching about earlier. Think for me one time, bro.
16. Good and Plenty
They're like licorice-flavored pills. See point #21.
"The pinks are the goods, and the whites are the plentys, because there are more of them...and they're not as good. Then there's a third category of irregulars."
"And those are called what?"
"...cuties."
"And those are called what?"
"...cuties."
-Everybody Loves Raymond
15. Jolly Ranchers
First of all, only half the flavors are even worthwhile (no thank you, green apple). But more importantly, Jolly Ranchers are fine enough when you get one on the way out of a doctor's office, etc., but as for Halloween candy, there's far better to be had.
I'm not big on Jolly Ranchers. Fair enough.
14. PayDay
We're onboard with the salted peanuts and the caramel, but PayDays always feel like they're missing something: The chocolate needed to make it a Snickers.
Your blog feels like it's missing something too: humor.
13. Lemonheads
Lemonheads feel fairly rare in the world of Halloween candies, which makes them all that more exciting. (If you're under the age of 11, you can substitute this number with Warheads. If you're over the age of 11, do not eat Warheads. Have some respect for yourself.)
I've never had these so I can't comment. But I still hate you.
12. Whoppers
Malted milk ball are just chocolate with a crispy, crunchy center. No bad there.
Whoppers are delicious. "No bad there?" You're a poor person.
11. Almond Joy
Almond Joy's might have the most boring name of any candy ever. Which will put off some. But it's a fancier candy bar, actually. There's coconut. There's almonds instead of the usual peanuts. And it's all covered in chocolate.
Earlier in this very same blog you were giving Milk Duds shit about their name and now you're complaining about Almond Joy's name? I'm going to overlook the fact that you think two almonds is something to jizz your pants over.
10. 3 Musketeers
It's hard to describe the experience of eating a 3 Musketeers: You think it's going to be like a regular chocolate bar, then you bit into it and the center is...what is it?! It's whipped chocolate. It's so light and airy. The downside: You feel like you could eat 3 million Musketeers.
Eating a million of these is a downside? What's the upside, shitting them out in 7-8 hours?
9. Nerds
It's impossible to eat Nerds and not feel happy. They're so colorful and tangy. Maybe it's that they make you feel like a kid again.
I'm not a big Nerds guy. Something about quantity over quality reminds me of rice.
8. Tootsie Rolls
What can you say about (regular flavored) Tootsie Rolls? They're classic.
What can I say about them? They're better than Nerds you fucking mongoloid.
7. Twix
Instead of nougat or nuts, Twix upgrades to a biscuit finger. But the best part is that you always feel like you're getting more, because as soon as you finish the first Twix, there's a second Twix bar in the same package.
A biscuit finger?! Who the fuck calls it a biscuit finger?! They're not something you bring to a goddamn circle jerk!
6. Sour Patch Kids
Not everyone can handle sour. Which makes Sour Patch Kids a sort of candy compromise: They start of sour, but are sweet on the inside. So everyone can enjoy them! Which is very thoughtful.
Fuck you.
5. Snickers
Nougat, caramel, peanuts, chocolate. Those ingredients can never been bad together.
Unless there's no chocolate and then it's just a PayDay in which case it sucks? Alright buddy. Leave the candy to the pros.
4. Starbursts
And in order of deliciousness: Pink, red, orange, then yellow. If we were ranking each Starburst flavor individually, the yellow one would have been way back with flavored Tootsies. The worst!
So you think a quarter of them are terrible and you made them #4? Seems suspicious to me.
3. Butterfingers
The center of a Butterfinger is some sort of peanut buttery crisp. And it's orange. We're not sure exactly what's going on with Butterfingers, but we do know that we will eat them always.
How fucking hard is it to read the ingredients? And Butterfingers get stuck in your teeth just as much as Milk Duds, which you hate.
2. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
It doesn't matter that every peanut butter cup you get is smushed or that half of the chocolate coating on the bottom of the cup comes off with the wrapper. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are delicious.
Definitely up there, but #2? I could make a few arguments against this.
1. Literally anything King Sized
Literally anything. Those were the best houses to trick or treat at when you were a kid, right? And they're the best candy when you're grown up, too. Because more candy is always the best candy.
15. Jolly Ranchers
First of all, only half the flavors are even worthwhile (no thank you, green apple). But more importantly, Jolly Ranchers are fine enough when you get one on the way out of a doctor's office, etc., but as for Halloween candy, there's far better to be had.
I'm not big on Jolly Ranchers. Fair enough.
14. PayDay
We're onboard with the salted peanuts and the caramel, but PayDays always feel like they're missing something: The chocolate needed to make it a Snickers.
Your blog feels like it's missing something too: humor.
13. Lemonheads
Lemonheads feel fairly rare in the world of Halloween candies, which makes them all that more exciting. (If you're under the age of 11, you can substitute this number with Warheads. If you're over the age of 11, do not eat Warheads. Have some respect for yourself.)
I've never had these so I can't comment. But I still hate you.
12. Whoppers
Malted milk ball are just chocolate with a crispy, crunchy center. No bad there.
Whoppers are delicious. "No bad there?" You're a poor person.
11. Almond Joy
Almond Joy's might have the most boring name of any candy ever. Which will put off some. But it's a fancier candy bar, actually. There's coconut. There's almonds instead of the usual peanuts. And it's all covered in chocolate.
Earlier in this very same blog you were giving Milk Duds shit about their name and now you're complaining about Almond Joy's name? I'm going to overlook the fact that you think two almonds is something to jizz your pants over.
10. 3 Musketeers
It's hard to describe the experience of eating a 3 Musketeers: You think it's going to be like a regular chocolate bar, then you bit into it and the center is...what is it?! It's whipped chocolate. It's so light and airy. The downside: You feel like you could eat 3 million Musketeers.
Eating a million of these is a downside? What's the upside, shitting them out in 7-8 hours?
9. Nerds
It's impossible to eat Nerds and not feel happy. They're so colorful and tangy. Maybe it's that they make you feel like a kid again.
I'm not a big Nerds guy. Something about quantity over quality reminds me of rice.
8. Tootsie Rolls
What can you say about (regular flavored) Tootsie Rolls? They're classic.
What can I say about them? They're better than Nerds you fucking mongoloid.
7. Twix
Instead of nougat or nuts, Twix upgrades to a biscuit finger. But the best part is that you always feel like you're getting more, because as soon as you finish the first Twix, there's a second Twix bar in the same package.
A biscuit finger?! Who the fuck calls it a biscuit finger?! They're not something you bring to a goddamn circle jerk!
6. Sour Patch Kids
Not everyone can handle sour. Which makes Sour Patch Kids a sort of candy compromise: They start of sour, but are sweet on the inside. So everyone can enjoy them! Which is very thoughtful.
Fuck you.
5. Snickers
Nougat, caramel, peanuts, chocolate. Those ingredients can never been bad together.
Unless there's no chocolate and then it's just a PayDay in which case it sucks? Alright buddy. Leave the candy to the pros.
4. Starbursts
And in order of deliciousness: Pink, red, orange, then yellow. If we were ranking each Starburst flavor individually, the yellow one would have been way back with flavored Tootsies. The worst!
So you think a quarter of them are terrible and you made them #4? Seems suspicious to me.
3. Butterfingers
The center of a Butterfinger is some sort of peanut buttery crisp. And it's orange. We're not sure exactly what's going on with Butterfingers, but we do know that we will eat them always.
How fucking hard is it to read the ingredients? And Butterfingers get stuck in your teeth just as much as Milk Duds, which you hate.
2. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Definitely up there, but #2? I could make a few arguments against this.
1. Literally anything King Sized
Literally anything. Those were the best houses to trick or treat at when you were a kid, right? And they're the best candy when you're grown up, too. Because more candy is always the best candy.
WHAT A FUCKING COP OUT! You literally think anything big is the best candy? Oh man, good thing candy suppliers made them in an XL size for your tiny mind to think they're the best snack ever! God forbid you judge your snacks by quality and not quantity. There's a fucking reason Godiva doesn't sell 5lb bars like Hershey does. Because you don't deserve to eat that much high quality chocolate in one sitting. Maybe instead of going trick or treating you get a goddamn job and buy bigger snacks next time.
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