Am I Above Pocketing Candy At A Christmas Party To Take It Home And Review It? Click Here To Find Out!

Full disclosure: I put these in my back pocket, forgot about them, then passed out in the car ride home so they did not make it out in one piece.

RIP Lemmy

Emergency Blog: Patriots Lose In Overtime, Mrs. Fields Fails To Deliver

     This is what a defeated man looks like.

Happy Birthday, Ted Cruz! Just Kidding, Get Fucked

Completely unbeknownst to me, yesterday was Ted Cruz's birthday.  I totally dropped the ball on that one.  I decided to be nice to my favorite Presidential candidate and write him a blog for his birthday.

Office Cafeteria Brownie

     Now I know what you're thinking. "But Andrew, you tried their cookies and said they were terrible!" Well you're absolutely right. But if watching all the NFL's drug addicts, woman beaters, murderers, and maybe-possibly-knew-air-was-being-let-out-of-a-footballers compete and succeed show up every week for a paycheck has taught me anything, it's that Dartcor deserves a second chance.

How Insulting Is Texting Me A Cookie Score?

     How about the fucking balls on this guy to not only score a snack right under my nose, but to decide it gets a perfect 10?

Hanukkah Is Almost Over And That Means People Can Stop Asking Inane Questions

     Hanukkah, my favorite time of year when people ask me about being Jewish and act awkward when I tell them that Hanukkah is one of the least important holidays on the Jewish calendar.  It's not a huge miracle- oil last 8 days instead of 1.  The same thing that happens with my car when I don't bring it in for a check-up.

Nestle Chunky Bar- Contains No Munky

     Who doesn't like chunky things?  Milk, friends, monkeys.  All great chunky things to have in your life.  By that logic Chunky Bars must be great too, right?  Gather 'round and we'll discuss!

Cadbury Caramello, An English Brand Enters The Mix

     Cadbury, that's an English company.  Foreign candy brands are always more sophisticated than American brands.  Look at that gold and royal purple wrapper.  You think KitKat could pull that move?  Hell no.

My Company Held A Mo Party: A Contemplation

     So my company (who I probably shouldn't mention by name) held a Mo Party in honor of Movember.  The party was in December, but fuck it, we're not horologists*, right?

SHOCKING: The Office Cafeteria Added A Third Cookie; Completely Ruins My Showdown

(Read the original showdown here)

     Breaking news! The office cafeteria added a third cookie. The fuck is this? You can't add another cookie after the official blog review has been posted. That's messing up the rules, and in this country we leave that to our politicians and referees.

Second Annual Thanksgiving Review

Spoiler alert: My blog managed to survive for a year.

Hershey's Krackel Bar

     Hershey Krackel Bar.  One of the unsung heroes of the candy world.  A fine candy bar that would be a flagship product under any other brand, save for the most powerful candy brand in the world.

Truck Assholes And 7-11 Fudge Mint Cookies

     Have you ever bought 7-11 brand snacks?  Probably just a Slurpee.  7-11 isn't exactly a brand you associate with things like high quality snacks, variety, or health regulations.  But luckily for y'all, you're reading this blog where I review 7-11 snacks with little to no regard for my health.

Snack Food Showdown- Two Cookies I Found In The Office Cafeteria

     We come another installment of my running series Snack Food Showdown.* Today we have two worthy competitors an Oatmeal Raisin Cookie and a Chocolate Chunk Cookie. Both produced by Dartcor, who handle my company's food services.

Wat Snack Is Ur Fave Presidential Candidate? Part 3: The GOP Loser Table

     We come now to the third and final installment of Wat Snack Is Ur Fave Presidential Candidate?  It's been a fun ride. I killed 3 Democratic campaigns.  I'm pretty sure a few Republicans dropped out after I laid the Hebrew Hammer down on them, but who can count that high?  Last but not least, we have the losers table at the CNN Republican Debate.  Don't feel bad if you're voting for one of these people, it just means your voice doesn't deserve to be heard.

Whatchamacallit (Who's On First! Amirite?)

     How many of you have heard of Whatchamacallit?  It's the candy version of That 10 Minute Oil Change Place.  You went for a quirky name and now I'm more confused than when I started.

M&Ms Instagram Builds On Their Cuckold Commercial

After I recently joined Instagram I decided to check out a few suppliers of mine.  M&M did a pretty good job with that last commercial and their Instagram is on the same level, great stuff here.

I love fall, when the leaves turn colors they look like me! – Yellow

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Oct 2, 2015 at 3:54pm PDT

I'm glad to see at least one snack food company is honest about the coloring of their product. *ahem* Little Debbie.

For #NationalDoSomethingNiceDay, I’m helping Red update his look. – Ms. Green

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Oct 5, 2015 at 2:30pm PDT

Where is Ms. Green's hand and why is Red looking extremely uncomfortable?  Can't blame a guy for not liking the old rubber glove treatment.

Wait, that’s how you make them? - Yellow

A video posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Sep 30, 2015 at 5:50pm PDT

What fuck did I just watch?  That's how you make what?

Great news: Fall TV is back. Bad news: My pilot #LifeAccordingToRed wasn’t picked up. - Red

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Sep 22, 2015 at 11:47am PDT

I bet it would get more viewers than Two Broke Girls.

Everyone keeps talking about how I’m the “New Black”… I don’t understand. – Orange #Emmys

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Sep 20, 2015 at 5:18pm PDT

Admit it, you laughed.

Isn’t this the coolest thing you’ve ever seen? – Blue

A video posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Sep 18, 2015 at 3:35pm PDT

No it's not.

It’s been three and a half years as the Chief Chocolate Officer – I’d say I’ve earned iconic status working with those colorful characters every day… - Ms. Brown | Link to vote in bio.

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Sep 12, 2015 at 10:23am PDT

And she did it all in 5 inch heels!

My favorite thing about football season is accessorizing. – Ms. Green

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Sep 10, 2015 at 2:43pm PDT

Can't wait for Jezebel to whine about this one.

If I’m on the box, you know it’s good. – Red

A photo posted by M&M'S (@mmschocolate) on Aug 23, 2015 at 3:28pm PDT

Initial review: 10/10

Also, what's up with Mars Global's Instagram?

That's just depressing.  Also, they're in the business of Wrigley?  Isn't that the gum company?  So gum is their business?  And how do you go from M&Ms and gum to symbioscience?  I don't even know what that is.

Wat Snack Is Ur Fave Presidential Candidate? The GOP's Big Kids Table Part 2

I think the voters are responding to my electric personality.

Ben Carson: Pop rocks.  No one knows how the science behind them works, just like how Ben doesn't know how any science works, besides neurosurgery... somehow?

(As a Jew, I will be scared for my safety if he is elected)

Mike Huckabee: Tangy Tarts Scripture Candy.  We get it dude, you think America should abide by your Christian views, now excuse me while I get ready for Hanukkah and vote in favor of gay marriage.

I brought my own water since you don't have any in California! Ha!... ha... um...

Marco Rubio: Dots.  Guys, I'm a real candy!  I swear!  Where are you guys going?  Can I come?

Leave me rap to you all about creating jobs for the 30,000 people I laid off.

Carly Fiorina: Corporate event cakes that they expect you to share with the whole goddamn office.  At least there's no one left to sneak a piece during lunch!
(Unrelated to the blog: I was at one of those 15 minute birthday party deals that offices do.  Somebody was complaining that they went to Ozzfest and Marilyn Manson's show wasn't kid-friendly.  Are you fucking stupid, lady?  Anyways, I turned to the guy next to me and said that I like Marilyn Manson.  He looked at me and said "I hope you're joking" then walked away.)

I'm sure Ray-Bans will get the millennials' attention!

Rand Paul: Caramel apple.  Check it out guys!  I put caramel on this apple and now it's totally rad!

Rice Krispies Treat

     I picked these up during my Peanut Butter and Co. review.  Haven't had them in a few years but my buddy Dan likes them and I trust him.  Spoiler alert, they taste good even without a schmear of peanut butter.

EMERGENCY BLOG: I Was Sold A Moldy Hostess Ho-Hos By A Shell Gas Convenience Store

     Three days in a row with a blog?  I know what you're thinking.  "Andrew, dude, you're on a goddamn roll!"  Well it's not good news.  I wrote two blogs for Halloween because the Dark Lord commands it it's a national holiday.  Now I have to write a third for an atrocity that was committed unto me.

Happy Halloween You Degenerates!

     It's Halloween, which means every website trying to be hip is putting out a list of what snacks are the best.  Here's what I've learned from doing this snack blog: there's no definitive list.  Some people, like me, have refined taste in only the best Oreos.  Entitled douchebags are going to raise their kids to expect full size bars on Halloween.  And poor people are going to get excited over Skittles.

     I figured I'd rip apart someone else's list. Originally I was going to disembowel Buzzfeed but they have so many fucking lists that I didn't know where to start. So my victim today will be E! Online. Original list here.

     (Also I wrote this Halloween blog but wasn't happy with it so I wrote the one I posted yesterday.  Feel free to read that one again.)

A Candy Blogger's Take On Getting Through Halloween

It's every snack food blogger's favorite holiday!

Wat Snack Is Ur Fave Presidential Candidate? The GOP's Big Kids Table Part 1

     Part 2 is going to focus on the main stage of the Republican nominees.  I could easily do all the candidates in one blog, but I figured I could drag this out a little bit longer.  Also I can only tag so many people when I put this on Twitter.  We're going to start off with the adult Thanksgiving table, based on what I remember from the CNN debates.

     After I posted about the Democrats, half of them dropped out of the race within a week.  My blog killed Chafee's, Webb's, and Biden's campaigns.  I am literally that powerful.  Why not post about Trump today?

QuikCheck Black and Orange Cookie Is Halloween Colored So You Know It's For Halloween

     This cookie isn't even 'fall flavored' and it's still getting worked into the fall mix.  And here I am falling for their marketing ploy like a chump.  It's literally just a regular cookie with frosting.

New Oreo Review: Cinnamon Bun

     I noticed that lately I've been posting more 'comedy' blogs than typical reviews, so we'll be getting back to basics with this one.  Oreo released a new flavor, and of course yours truly had to sample it.

Wat Snack Is Ur Fave Presidential Candidate?: The Dems

     I'm sure a few of you have figured out by now that I'm a fan of the Jon Stewart family tree of television shows.  What does that have to do with me running a snack blog?  Well, I'm a glutton.  Sue me.  But that doesn't mean I can't work in some political 'humor' into what I write about.

     Naturally I decided to compare each major candidate to a snack.  This is going to be a new running segment to go along with the fall flavor everything.  And yes, I know the election is over a year away, but I can't have everyone Walkering out on me and killing my material.  First up is the Democrats.

Does South Park Think Being An Internet Commenter Is Easy?

"You're Not Yelping"- Watch it HERE

     Last night was a new episode of South Park that hit a little too close to home for me.  No, it wasn't Jewbilee.  The new episode was talking about how everyone and their mother is a food critic these days thanks to Yelp.
     Yelp?  You people think you can just write up a few sentences and grade something on a 5 point scale.  It takes a true warrior to write up a few paragraphs and grade it on a 10 point scale.  I put in blood, sweat, and tears into this blog.  Yes, one time I cut my finger on a jagged plastic case.  I've sweat from walking down New York blocks looking for something to sample.  And I cry because I had 70 cents in my account after 11 months and today it went down to 68 cents for some fucking reason.
     I took a few screenshots of the episode to give you an idea of how it holds up to real life.

Haunted House Kit: Fuck This Thing

     I saw this in the store and took a few days to decide if I wanted it or not.  Seriously what am I going to do with a haunted house cookie kit?  Well my friend invited me over to watch the Patriots backhand the Cowboys and I decided this would be a fun thing to do during some down time.

Little Debbie's Fall Party Cakes Are Even Lazier Than I Am

     I recently picked this box up to sample.  I figured since I have an obligation to review fall snacks, why not?  Well it turns out there's nothing fall about them.

Oreo Needs To Slow It Down With These Shitty Ideas

     I am not buying that special edition flavor Oreo thin garbage.  Regular Oreo thins fucking suck.  Marshmallow Oreos are mediocre.  Mint Oreos are actually pretty good.*  But thinning out any Oreo instantly makes it shitty.  Tell all your friends Oreo thins have to go to the way of the dodo and NSync (sorry white girls).  We will lead the revolution!

Fall Snacks Have Started: Milky Way Caramel Apple

Robert Heinlein Predicted The Future! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

     THE END TIMES ARE UPON US!  REPENT NOW!  (And take a moment to enjoy this phenomenal image)

Snack Food Showdown: Hostess Ding Dong vs. Drake's Ring Dings

vs

Slim Jim's New Commercial Is Quite The Zinger

The Rock Carnival Review Part 2- Sight Seeing and Snacks

     So if you read Part 1 of my review you know that I tried mixing vanilla milk with beer before getting to the headbanging.  Well apparently I was on the 'normal' side of the equation with the attendees.

The Rock Carnival Review Part 1- Getting There And The Bands

     The day started out like any other.  I woke up around 7am and had about half a bag of Reese's Pieces.  It's also the Rugby World Cup, so I watched USA play Samoa (and lose).  After that I went to Tierney's to catch the Patriots play the Bills (and win).  I bought a grilled cheese and a pitcher while waiting for my friends to arrive.  We headed out, but stopped at QuickChek first to get some road snacks.

Donald Trump Will Stop Eating Oreos, Is A Liar

CBS-  Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump repeated his claim Tuesday evening that he would stop eating Oreos, citing the cookie maker's decision to close a plant in Chicago and move it to Mexico.
"I'm never eating Oreos again," Trump said, before adding that he would consider it if he could find some that were made in the U.S.

Shanah Tovah: Finally A Northeastern Jew And A Southern Methodist Church Can Agree On Something!

Christian Post- A church in Georgia has recently collected over five tons of Oreos, which were shipped overseas to members of the United States Armed Forces.
Alpharetta First United Methodist Church collected 5.6 tons of the beloved cookies in an annual charitable endeavor called "Operation Oreo."
"We collect the Oreos during the month of June and conclude Operation Oreo at the patriotic Sunday worship service that is held on the Sunday before July 4. Immediately following that service, we pack up the Oreos," said Allain.
"The next couple of days we receive cookie donations collected by fellow United Methodist churches in the North Georgia Conference of the UMC. And by that Wednesday, the cookies are sent to the post office. We have already gotten thank you notes and photos of soldiers who received the Oreos this year."
In the letter, Martin recalled a plane trip he had in February of that year wherein he sat next to a young soldier who served in Iraq whose primary mission was defusing bombs.
"'What did you miss most while you were in Iraq?' I asked. 'Oreos, Double Stuf!!!' was his quick reply," wrote Martin.

(Photo of Operation Oreo from 2014)

     About time we can agree on something!  Before it was all "You're going to hell for being a heathen!"  and me replying "Yeah well at least I can control Hollywood until I die early!"  But the verdict is out that Oreos are awesome and our brave men and women overseas deserve all the Oreos they want.

     Let's do the math on this quick.  5.6 tons of Oreos.  A box of regular Oreos weighs 14.3oz.  That's over 12,500 boxes of Oreos.  There are 45 cookies per box.  That's over 563,000 cookies.  Holy shit!  I don't think I could eat that much in my lifetime, and I'm a degenerate piece of shit.

     Also, someone get me the name of that soldier who misses Oreos.  I'd be happy to give him a list of recommendations on what else to miss while he's risking his life.  And when he gets back instead of buying him a beer, I'll buy him a box of Oreos.  Just not Red Velvets or Brownie Batter.

PS- Shanah Tovah means happy new year.  It's Rosh Hashanah!

DONATE AT www.afumc.org/oreo

Herr's Barbecue Potato Chips

     Every now and then you have to mix things up.  Lately I've been doing sweets as reviews.  Time to do a salty.

Skor Tries To Prove Size Doesn't Matter

     Get it?  It's a penis joke!

10 Times You Loved Charleston Chew!

AROOOOO!!!!!

Candy Corn M&Ms Make Up For Pecan Pie M&Ms

     I had very low expectations when I saw these at the store.  They were in the bargain bin, and since they're clearly a Halloween snack, I assumed they were left over from last year.  I double checked the expiration date.  Don't worry, yours truly doesn't want to get sick.  Just kidding M&Ms don't expire.

New Oreo Lemon Twists

     I think the twist is that they're mediocre.  Like, "Haha!  You expected a delicious new cookie!  Plot twist, it has a very mild flavor!"

Crunch Bar With Girl Scout Cookie Flavors

     My friend came over today with a going away gift for me.  (He's going away, not me.  He's taking some classes to study for his board while I blog about Oreos)  Can't believe I let something like this sneak under my nose when they were right across the street this whole time.